Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
