great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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