Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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