I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
