Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
