Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Just cropdusted the office
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
