remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
