we have pet lesbian snakes
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
