When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
