Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
