Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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