My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
