They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
