you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
