Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize