After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You're like the curious george of whores
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
