I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
