I have demons in me.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
