I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
