The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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