I can text with my tongue
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
