i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
