o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize