You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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