My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
