i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
