I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
