there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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