Dude my mom stole all your condoms
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
