you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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