YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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