you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize