we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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