no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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