Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize