K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
