Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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