You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
