atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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