how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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