had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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