if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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