she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
