Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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