apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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