planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
