Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize