the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
