I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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