I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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