She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
