I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
