Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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