The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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