the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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