You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
