i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
