before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
