It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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