There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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