is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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