I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
