Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
